To Recovery and Beyond!

Anorexia defined the first 25 years of my life and brought with it quite a bit of negativity and actually some positive experiences; but the upside of an eating disorder cannot remotely compare to the freedom and love that I will experience living in recovery for the rest of my life.  This is my story.

The first time that I knew that I was not good enough was when I was about 4 years old.  My then-step father violated me and made sure that I knew not to tell my mother.  “If your mother finds out about this, she will stop loving you” were the words that cut through my little body and scarred my heart.  This was my first full memory, but I didn’t remember it until I was 16.  Not long after this event, my mom ran into financial issues and made the decision to give my dad full custody of me.  By the time I was 6, I was living in Minnesota with my dad and his wife (who would become the mom who raised me).  One of my first daycare providers took it upon herself to monitor and manipulate my weight by allowing me half of the amount of food that the other kids got and having me run laps around the perimeter of the house when the other kids were having snacks.  This coupled with hearing women in my life discuss their ‘fat thighs’ lead me to the realization that my body was definitely not good enough at six years of age.  

Passions, Thorns, and Blessings

Wow, so many things have been happening in my life and I am just trying to wrap my head around them.  New passions of mine are becoming blatantly obvious, thorns that have always been in my side have started to throb, and blessings have been coming out of the woodwork.  


Example 1:
I always believe that things happen for a reason.  Two days ago, my doctor scheduled an upper GI test...at 9am today (Thursday)...well I have Biology Lecture at 9:45 a half hour from the clinic.  Last night I decided I was going to reschedule the test so I could go to class and this morning, I woke up an hour late and realized I only had time to get to the clinic.  I arrived and did the test, and during the process talked to the lab technician about her daughter who also goes to the eating disorder clinic where I receive treatment.  In the course of our conversation, I was able to tell her of my recovery and remind her that her 15 year old is the patient and her team knows what is best for her.  I was able to use my passion for recovery and my hard work to help another family who is being plagued by this disorder...in the end we were both in tears and I shared some resources for this distressed mother and I received one of the most love-filled hugs I have ever experienced.