Words Can Kill

I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that for everything that happens there is a use and a purpose for the event.  Sometimes people come into our lives to stay for a reason, for a season, or a lifetime.  I would like to think that everyone comes into my life for a lifetime, but really if that happened to any of us, we would have toooo many people in our lives and we would never grow.  

I don't know what to make of my recent experience, so I guess I am here to figure that out.  I had a woman come into my life a couple of years ago and she resurfaced about 2 months ago.  I have only seen her a couple of times recently but she knows my history as we were in treatment for eating disorders together.  As I got to spend time with her in the last couple of weeks I have noticed that she was a bit volatile, but I just thought she was having a rough time due to the break up of a long relationship.  In the last couple of days it became obvious to me that she was an alcoholic because she was lying about how much she was drinking, and she started pounding back liquor shortly after waking up in the morning.  

Yesterday I arrived to find her already stumbling around at noon and by dinner time I asked how much she had to drink and she told me she had consumed 5 bottles of wine (by 5 pm!!!).  I was worried for her as she started a fire in the oven trying to make chicken for dinner, and the fact that she was cycling from laughing to rage within minutes.  She finally started to sob and grieve her ex girlfriend and I rubbed her hair and her face as she cried.  I put her in bed and sat with her until she was able to fall asleep.  Once she was asleep I noticed that her breathing was really irratic and sometimes non-existant.  I called her mom to ask if she knew what was going on and she directed me to call 911 as there was nothing more the family could do.  I called 911, they came and did an evaluation, and my 'friend' started spewing venomous words at me.  The cops took me outside because she started to lunge at me and they didn't want the situation to escalate.  Their advice to me was to cut her off and move on.  Her parting words to me were "You stupid bitch I hope you rot in hell.  Don't EVER talk to me again".  I decided to honor her wish.

Between last night and 3pm today, I had received 22 phone calls, 5 voice messages, and 10 texts from her (none of which did I answer).  My sister finally sent her a text telling her to leave me alone, and then she (my sister) received countless texts and calls from my now ex-friend.   Unfortunately in all of this communication, this woman that I tried to help hit me on every cord she knew I had (and I didn't even listen to the voice messages).  

I am not going to quote her directly, but the jist was that I am a weak stupid bitch and that treatment and recovery from Anorexia has made me huge;  also, the only men that will ever need me are black men who like fat women...and not because they love me, but because I am a whore.  

I have done a great job of distracting today and pushing aside the fact that my feelings were really hurt.  I am 'supposed' to be strong and 'not let it get to me'...impossible.  I don't think anyone who heard those things about themselves would be able to 100% block it out.  I did a good job of challenging it, but it still hurts like hell...especially now, alone as I get ready for bed.  I know though that the challenges are true.

I am strong, I have been through hell and back - a couple of times.  

I have been a self made success, just to have it ripped from my grasp; 

I have been married, abused, used, cheated on, and then divorced; 

I have conquered a 20 year bout with Anorexia;  

I resisted the urge to run to alcohol or sex to numb the pain I carry;  

Now I am poorer than I have ever been (due to an ass who took me for all I was worth, and a disability that has kept me from working), 

I am in school to finish my degree, 

And I am fighting to find somewhere healthy to live regardless of a lack of money.  

For anyone to call me weak is a sign of pure stupidity.  

~~~ Fat?  Yes, maybe. ~~~ Healthy?  Absolutely. ~~~ Stupid?  Not hardly. ~~~ Worthless?  Couldn't be more wrong. ~~~ Caring?  You betcha. ~~~

Hurt by someone's projecting hurtful and hateful words??  You have no idea.

So this person came into my life for either a season or a reason.  I have always known that unless I have something nice to say, I should say nothing at all.  This phrase from Bambi could not be more relevant.

Please be careful before you spout evil at other people, the words that you choose could very easily shape and define the people that you aim at.  We are called to 'edify' each other - to lift each other up.  This world is scary and daunting enough without being cruel to each other, and every one of us has pain.  No one gains anything by being hateful.  I am not perfect - actually, I can say some very hateful things... AND... I know that regardless of what she said to me, it didn't help her feel better, she is still miserable and probably drinking to numb the pain.  I hope she finds healing and rest because Lord only knows the pain in her heart.  Her way of dealing with her faults was to bring down one of the strongest people she knew...unfortunately...she has pushed away her last life line.

Sad day, this season has ended.....or maybe not so sad.