The Human Within the Chaos

Wowza,
It has been a long time since I have posted, and quite honestly, I haven't really been in the mindset to write anything down as my thoughts have been quite scattered.  As most of you know my blog kind of documents my journey through life, the rough times, and the good.  Sometimes it comes out in poetry, and sometimes as a letter or journal.  Tonight, I am not poetic, I just miss sharing with you and getting what seems like crazy ideas out of my head and onto the screen.  


If you don't know, I am a survivor of many things, lately I am most focused on surviving anorexia and also post traumatic stress disorder.  The eating disorder definitely feeds off of the fear and terror that the ptsd causes so together they can really wreak havoc on a person's mental and physical well-being.  I am not afraid to tell you that I struggle, I am not even afraid that you will judge me, my fear is that mental illness will be forever misunderstood and treated as a taboo subject.  


Today I had three or four people ask me what PTSD was and how I could have it since I have not been in the military.  I think that is a great topic to discuss because countless people suffer from this diagnosis every day because it is misunderstood and stereotyped.  First of all, there are 2 types of PTSD.


1. PTSD:  basically when someone goes through a trauma and wishes they could go back to life before the trauma, when it was easier or more innocent. (ie:  soldiers who say "I wish I could 'unsee' everything that I saw in the war)
2. Complex PTSD:  When someone doesn't have a 'normal' before their trauma, their trauma started so early that they never got to know life without it.


While both of these disorders are the same, they are also very different, but neither are better or worse than the other.  They both come with their own pain and suffering, and it can affect ANYONE.  (There are also very strict criteria that are used to diagnose - this blog is not meant to act as a self diagnosing tool) Because this is my blog, and I only know about my experiences, that is what I will explain.  


I have Complex PTSD.  My trauma started at about the age of 4 (what I can remember of it) so I didn't have a 'normal' life before my string of traumas started.  It doesn't matter what I endured, or by whose hands, all that matters is that I have had repeated traumas throughout my 27 years, sometimes worse than others, but pretty consistent.  What matters in PTSD is the perception of the event.  For instance, a 4 year old has been abused, and at 5 years old they are transferred from the mother's care to the father's care.  The transfer (while benign in and of itself) is highly traumatic for the already confused and frightened child (who now has 2 traumas where there used to be only one).  


Part of the reason I have not written recently is due to the fact that the symptoms of the PTSD have started to really disrupt my life.  The way my (and many people's) symptoms show are through flashbacks (feeling completely immersed in the memory - a nightmare while awake), and through vivid nightmares and night terrors.  It is also common for people to be hyper-vigilant, which for me means that I startle very easily, and sometimes when I get scared I literally freeze and have the fight or flight urge as if I was being attacked.  Unfortunately it is bothersome because I can be bumped at a grocery store and drop my entire basket of groceries because I am so scared.  It came to a point recently where I was terrified 24/7 and was just wondering how long my body would hold out under the stress of the fear.  


Lucky for me, I have gotten a bit of a break because of a medication that has been approved for PTSD which helps with the nightmares and also with hyper-vigilance.  I also am going to start a new therapy in two weeks that is basically going to reprogram my brain so I can effectively process the trauma.  Eventually, they will be memories rather than full fledged experiences.  I will be able to remember the trauma without the intense horror and fear, and finally be able to work through the issues rather than being stuck reliving the situations over and over.  


What I want people to know is that this disorder can happen to anyone, and most times you will be oblivious to how many people you come in contact with every day who suffer from incessant fear.  PTSD does not only happen to veterans, it can happen to anyone who has been through a trauma, and thank God, not everyone who goes through a trauma will experience PTSD.  It really just depends on where you are in your life journey and how your brain decides to deal with the events it is trying to process.


People who have this disorder are like anyone else... they are not going to blow up the building that you work in, they are not going to flip out at the post office, they may just be more jumpy and sensitive than other people you have met, or maybe they don't show any outward symptoms, but they live in constant fear for their life.  


Moral of the story:  You cannot judge a person by their experiences, and we cannot put people into different boxes in order to understand them.  I am a human, I am a woman, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a friend, and to some a mentor.  What I am NOT is my diagnosis.  I am not my trauma.  I am not the bad things that have happened to me.  I am Haley, and I am jumpy, and I cry sometimes, and I laugh too - just. like. you.


The best way to get past a fear of mental illness is not to sweep it under the rug and be afraid of those that suffer, but by actively seeking knowledge and education in the area until you are comfortable finding the human within the chaos.