Belated Christmas Card

I wrote this in December 2010 and it feels very relevant today so I am reposting:

I was thinking today...What would I say to someone that broke my heart....not that I have any experience with such an event, it was just pondering.  So IF said event were ever to occur, this is what I would say:

I am done trying to please you, you will never be happy.  You abuse, you lie, you hurt without realizing it.  Why?  Because you are a heartless selfish hateful and depraved person.  When they say that satan isn't real, I know they are wrong because you are his pitiful offspring.  You are someone that I wish I had never met.

Betrayal and Grace

This is a post I wrote May 6, 2010 shortly after my divorce was final:


Betrayal is a word that many people are aquainted with unfortunately. 

You hear stories all the time of people who have been in committed relationships, were faithful, jumped through the hoops of an abusive spouse/partner, maybe supported them financially through - say - the pursuit of a degree. They sometimes give up all of their dreams and their wants, and even their health just to make the other person happy and feeling respected. 

The betrayal sometimes comes in two parts. Part 1: The abusive partner may leave you during your time of need, say a hospitalization or a low point in your life, and Part 2: They may decide before they leave you to cheat (physically or emotionally) with the person they end up with a day after the break up occurs. 

No Longer Enslaved

All of the sudden and out of the blue,

the images come back reminding me of you.

Not pleasant thoughts or heartwarming things,

but pure pain and hurt and oh Lord it stings.

In the middle of the night, your abuse haunts me still,

and I wake up afterward with an eerie terror and chill.

I pray that the Lord would deliver me soon,

so I may sleep in peace and celebrate the moon.

Post traumatic stress disorder is no laughing matter,

and its not just the soldiers who's minds have been battered.

I have lived through my share of abuse and neglect,

and I am living proof that this mess can be checked.

Fear surrounds me when the flashbacks come on,

and I have to remind myself that I can stand strong.

As God as my witness I am going to proclaim,

that this valley I walk through will not be in vain.

My God is my fortress, and he will anoint,

and  regardless of this emotion, I will remain on point.

I was created to be beautiful, with no spirit of fear,

with humility and enormous faith I ask God to steer.

My life is not mine, rather a gift to live freely,

and I know that no person can attempt to be me.

You can't hurt me anymore, I am no longer enslaved,

With my Lord and my Savior I have surely been saved.

<3

Its just one of those days.  My dialogue is as follows:


"Look at the test scores!  You didn't do better than a C on any of the tests in the last week, you aren't working nearly hard enough on getting a 'beach ready' body, you are not doing your meal plan perfectly, you are probably annoying everyone around you, and you are weird just because you are having these thoughts.  You don't have time to be tired because there are other tests that you obviously need to start studying for right now and you need to get on top of the to-do list."

Walk With Me

Major pet peeve:  

When someone witnesses a decision I make and comments with something along the lines of "Would you do that in church", or "That wasn't a very 'Christian' thing for you to do."

Let me clear this up.  I am a Christian...and that is because I am a sinner, not because I lack sin.  If I didn't need to be saved, why would I choose my faith??  We are all humans, fallible and imperfect; that especially includes Christians.  I go to church for inspiration and tips on how to live a better life, not to show everyone how 'perfect' and 'good' I am.  I don't go to church because I have to, but because it enriches my life and gives me a place to worship my God in the way I feel most comfortable (which is mainly singing).  

Keep on Rollin...

Today I happened to get to church just as the music was ending and the pastor was beginning to speak.  I rolled in looking a tad disheveled as I had inadvertently spent the night in south Minneapolis at a friend's house after watching movies and not wanting to get my lazy booty up and drive home.  Needless to say, I was looking like I rolled out of bed.  


As I came into church, I was expecting to feel strongly condemned or convicted because of some of the self discovery that I had done during the week.  I was still wrestling the idea that questioning my faith and where it is rooted was a sin in and of itself.  Almost immediately, the pastor said "And if you feel like you have something that you need to confess, know that God has already absolved your sin and you are free." - Wow!  My heart was put at peace from the get-go which was very helpful as there was definitely more to come.

Recently I have done a lot of introspection and self work and have made some incredible discoveries about myself and the world around me.  I have been bothered lately by the amount of discrepancy there was between my faith and my heart.  After talking to a lot of people, working with my therapist and praying on it, I have finally come to an explanation of my faith that fits my heart like a glove.

Growth and Movement

I don't think that you quite understand

this is definitely not the life I had planned

This road that I'm on took a scary left turn

and for some reason I got bruised and burned.

The dark hatred which lurks and lives in your heart

was not apparent and was masked from the start

I am at a fork in the road on this journey of mine

where I can stray toward you or stand firmly in line