Keep on Rollin...

Today I happened to get to church just as the music was ending and the pastor was beginning to speak.  I rolled in looking a tad disheveled as I had inadvertently spent the night in south Minneapolis at a friend's house after watching movies and not wanting to get my lazy booty up and drive home.  Needless to say, I was looking like I rolled out of bed.  


As I came into church, I was expecting to feel strongly condemned or convicted because of some of the self discovery that I had done during the week.  I was still wrestling the idea that questioning my faith and where it is rooted was a sin in and of itself.  Almost immediately, the pastor said "And if you feel like you have something that you need to confess, know that God has already absolved your sin and you are free." - Wow!  My heart was put at peace from the get-go which was very helpful as there was definitely more to come.


The service today was a little different in that it was open mic - whoever felt they had something that could be used in the church they would go up and share (scriptures, praise reports, etc).  The first one that struck me was my sister who went up and read Psalm 91 out of the message bible.  This information has no significance if you don't know that she would read that at my bedside during the darkest time of my life and that chapter got us both through a LOT of things.  I was instantly reminded that I am not working on a better life for nothing, I am safe with my God and I was reminded that I could trust that.


Rewind 3 days:  I was sitting on the couch with my mom and sister and had a realization that I am loved even though I may not have felt that from significant men in my life (see my last blog post).  


Back in church:  The pastor started to talk about correcting the way that we see and experience God.  He explained that while in the Denver airport he heard a man make a loud whistle as if he was calling his dog...but instead of a dog, the whistle was directed toward his wife signaling her to hurry up as she was carrying all of their baggage.  At this point the whole congregation gasped and scoffed a bit, all except for my family as this seemed normal in my childhood.  He then went on to describe the whistle you would use to express your attraction to a very good looking person (aka the wolf whistle).  The point was that God doesn't whistle at us in a hurried, disrespectful, and angry tone; quite the opposite, He looks at us as His creation and expresses His love for us with an excitement and admiration as we are in His image and were hand made.


This illustration got right to my heart because I have been struggling with who God is and what His personality is because I always trusted the head of the house to emulate that, however every person is imperfect and that does not exclude the men in my life.  I grew up feeling like God was waiting for me to mess up and that I was always one step behind, but come to find out, I am following right in His footsteps, what a beautiful picture and what an honor! 


By the end of the service, I had a peace I could not explain because it went all the way to the core of my being.  I took one very clear point away from the service that I almost didn't attend:


~*~  I am not here to be perfect in order to display how good God is, I am here that in my imperfection God can sustain, care for, and work through me.


No longer do I need to fill the role of "trophy child", I now have permission to just be, no pressure, just me.
<3