That Which Doesn't Kill Us....

Recently I have done a lot of introspection and self work and have made some incredible discoveries about myself and the world around me.  I have been bothered lately by the amount of discrepancy there was between my faith and my heart.  After talking to a lot of people, working with my therapist and praying on it, I have finally come to an explanation of my faith that fits my heart like a glove.


I believe that Jesus died to save me, and that we are called to love and not judge.  THATS IT.  I grew up with an unrealistic image of the "perfect" Christian, which included judging other people that I didn't quite understand. It also included being condemned for sin that I hadn't even committed yet.  The thought that asking questions is bad always baffled me because I wondered how we were supposed to grow in the faith if we weren't able to express curiosity at a heart level.  Now as an adult I have realized that I was raised in a very conservative fundamental Christian household, which is great and good, however not realistic for me and my beliefs.  As I look at my faith through this new reorganized lens, I find that the things that I placed so much weight and judgment on are trivial in the big scheme of things.

I sat down with my mom and sister last night and brought up all of the things that I have been pondering and sorting through, and found that no one expected me to be perfect.  As a child I took everything literally and was sure that the word "sinner" meant that I would never be good enough and it was my duty to try tirelessly to achieve a "good" status.  A lot of people hit a point in their teens where they start questioning and going in their own direction in order to figure out what they believe, I just didn't do that.  I was so afraid that I would do something that would make me fall even further from grace, and I couldn't afford that as I was convinced that I wasn't good enough to begin with.

I was always a step behind, a dollar short and a day late.  Comparing this with the new view of my faith created incredible dissonance in my heart.  I considered what I would teach my own kids...definitely not what I was believing because it is a cruel way to live.  Now I see things a bit clearer.  I am called to love and not judge, that includes myself and the world around me.  When I let go of the black and white thinking, I found that there is so much beauty in everyday life that I never noticed because I was so busy judging myself and striving tirelessly toward the illusive 'perfection'.

As I go on with my introspection and discovery I am challenging myself to keep in mind that balance is in the key and perfection is not the goal.  I love my life and this journey is interesting to say the least, I feel stronger and more grounded in my beliefs and convictions.  I believe that in the future I will embrace my curiosity and be open to new information and ideas while maintaining my integrity and values.

<3