Belated Christmas Card

I wrote this in December 2010 and it feels very relevant today so I am reposting:

I was thinking today...What would I say to someone that broke my heart....not that I have any experience with such an event, it was just pondering.  So IF said event were ever to occur, this is what I would say:

I am done trying to please you, you will never be happy.  You abuse, you lie, you hurt without realizing it.  Why?  Because you are a heartless selfish hateful and depraved person.  When they say that satan isn't real, I know they are wrong because you are his pitiful offspring.  You are someone that I wish I had never met.

I feel like you are going to ruin her life too....but do you care?  Of course not, because she is what makes YOU look like you are competent, which is a lie because she won't last.  She can't please you just like I can't, she will either get sick of you, or you will wear her down into the ground so she is too scared and broken to leave your sorry ass.  What her young little brain doesn't understand is that you are seeing another woman when you go to work, someone not short and not flat as a board, someone not so innocent because you can't handle being with one person.  Once again, do you care?  No, because it is all about you, all about your ego, your lack of competancy, and your insecurity that probably I only know about.  

Does she know that you hate yourself?  Does she know that you are so narcissistic that you won't let anyone touch you because of how amazing you are and that you dont want them to mess it up?  Does she know that you called me baby for 7 years and you said no one would ever measure up?  Does she know that you abused me in every possible way, except for anyway that could send you to prison?  Does she know that I brought $100,000 to our relationship while you MAYBE brought a fifth of that?  Does she know that you are a fake, that you are a scam?

 You are a mask, there is no one there, once you are stripped down and have nothing more to say, you are a scared little boy.  Your character is lacking, you are a pussy and you will NEVER measure up.  You criticize everyone, and are beyond reproach in your own mind, well too bad you are the only one that believes that now.  If I had no morals or tact, I would send this to everyone you have ever known.  I would tell your parents that you lied through your teeth to them, I would tell your brother that you think he is dumb and can't handle anything without your help.  What about your friends, I could tell them what you really think of them, like your friend that you think is fat and smelly, or the one that deals with depression that you think should just get over it.  How about your cousins and extended family, maybe if they knew that you thought you would always be better than them and that you believe they are worthless?  What about my family, I could tell them all of the lies that you told me about them, and that I had to BEG you to let me go see them.

What if I told you that I used to pray that I would die in my sleep?  What if you knew that I would sit in the bathroom and shake because I was so scared to come to bed and be criticized for my stomach which may have protruded past my hipbones because I hadn't gone to the bathroom that day?  What if I told you that I was told to leave you from the get go...that everyone that knew you told me to run as fast as I could and that I wanted to believe them but I was scared of you.  What if you knew that when I looked at you and you asked what I was thinking, I lied to you.  I told you that I loved you, which was not a lie, the lie is that I was thinking you were a deranged psychopath asshole and you were probably the biggest mistake I had ever made, and probably would ever make.  

What if you knew that there is a waiting list of people who either want to hurt you, scream at you, or worse?  You may have thought you got off scott free convincing everyone that our divorce was a mutual thing, but the people that matter, the ones that knew that I was in NO place to make a life changing decision THE DAY I WAS DISCHARGED from the hospital know that you orchestrated everything so you could get away with cheating on me with her.  The lies, the misguided efforts, the pain, the hate, and the heartbreak, they are all yours.  Have them, it is my christmas gift to you.  You are truly an asshole and I know that you will get yours.  It may not be here, but when you stand in front of God on your judgement day, you will know that what you did broke me.  You are a bastard and I hope that when you get what's coming to you, that I find out about it.  

Vengance is not mine, that is God's job, but I am a human built with emotion and I am pissed.  I am more than pissed, I am LIVID.  You are a waste of time and I am done.  I hope you hear about me and you are jealous...I hope that you know that you are nothing, you don't have low self esteem, you just suck.  You have realistic self esteem, because I would hate myself too if I were you.  

As for me, I am a strong woman, always have been, and always will be.  I have been successful and will continue to be.  I will never again be a sugar mama, a trophy wife, or an accessory.  I have learned and this Christmas, I am giving myself a lifetime without you - which is the best earthly gift I could ever receive.