Monday, April 2, 2012

You Don't Own Me

Enemy (noun): one that is antagonistic to another; especially : one seeking to injure, overthrow, or confound an opponent, something harmful or deadly, a hostile unit or force.

My Enemy (name: anorexia):  Alluringly ugly, deceptively truthful, maliciously caring, hatefully compassionate, harshly smooth, venomously soothing, friend of enemies, judgmentally inclusive, addiction and solution, vulnerably controlled, ambitiously failing, critical perfectionism.

This is what my enemy sounds like:

"You are fat, but with your self control, you have a leg up on everyone else.  
Go for it!"
"You will be worth it when this is done"
"With me you will be loved...for a small price
...but you can't put a price on love right?"
"Obesity is a pandemic, and you are a statistic 
overcome it!"
"Oh yes, enjoy this food, 
but don't complain to me later about being fat"
"Its okay, you are ugly, but I'm here for you"

"Baby you're beautiful, if only you would workout more, 
you are already half way there!"
"I believe in you, you are strong, 
push through the dizziness and headaches."
"When you are done, you will look put together...
 and finally be on top of your game"
"Another failed day, lets work twice as hard tomorrow"

"What the hell, you got a C on your test, 
now you are fat and dumb?  Come on!"
"Yes, he did leave because of your inability to master your body
...and the universe"
"Just a couple more colds and you will finally be in shape!"
"If you trust me, I will get you all you want and more."
"You aren't working hard enough...
no wonder everyone is leaving."
"What?!? You can't run anymore, 
you are a weak excuse for a woman"
"Passing out is for babies, get up and push through, 
you are strong, aren't you?"
"You are a disappointment, I was sure you could succeed."
"Oh yeah, your heart is failing, pleeease, 
tell it to someone who cares."
"You are believing them?? 
The doctors want you to get fat!  

"We may be on a break now, 
but I will be back, we will finish this."

"Oooh a THAT is more like it!"  
"Welcome back my love, you have been sorely missed.  
I really do love you"
"Yes, working out will make you feel better, 
and is the most healthy thing you can do."
"Do you know what will make your performance even stronger, 
cut out red meat and white flour."
"You don't have to cut everything out...
just a couple of things"

"Damn, you passed out already, its only been a couple of weeks"
"They tell you that your heart is shutting down, 
but they lie, they just don't like me"

"You are in this casket...
but why is everyone crying??
You look amazing, 
exactly what I envisioned for you
You, my dear, have succeeded."

"You have reached the finish line"

My Response:

I believed this and have listened to the lies for too many years, and I have come too close to heart failure. And where was my eating disorder?  It was chiding me for not being strong enough.  Even in my recovery, it says, "The only thing that recovery got you....was fat", well, its not the truth.  

Here is what recovery gave me that an eating disorder cannot possibly offer:

A strong relationship with the God who pulled me through and kept my body alive, close relationships with my family, friends who would go to the ends of the earth for me, and allow me to do the same for them, endurance to live an active life, ability to give back to the community, the capacity to love on the children I nanny, and the energy to share in the life of developmentally disabled adults (who bless me more than I could imagine).  It gives me the focus I need to work, and go to school, and gives me the motivation to push through horrific memories.  I can live alone, I can sing at the top of my lungs and maintain relationships, I can stand up for myself, and make hard decisions, I can be a shoulder to lean on, and a partner in crime, I have beautiful curves, and contrary to YOUR belief, I haven't heard many complaints.  I am able to have a love life with someone who will love me as much as I love them.  No more one sided relationships, no more hatred.  Just Love, Grace, and Mercy.  

I am surrounding myself with life-giving, 
compassionate, strong, healthy, loving people 
who enhance my life 
and whose lives I can positively impact.

I am wrapped in the loving arms of a God who loves on me every day, and who saved me from falling victim to the most deadly mental health disorder - anorexia.

<3 <3 <3