Sunday, February 27, 2011

Here I am...On the road again.

The last few days have been incredibly challenging, I have been hit on all sides not only in waking hours but in sleeping as well.  Anxiety is a tough thing to handle on its own, but add a week of nightmare filled nights and flashback filled days and you get a bit of a mess.

Today in church I cried through the whole service. At the beginning it was because I was so exhausted from the last 2 years of struggling, and by the end it was because I was reassured that I wasn't alone.  The pastor, one of the women in the church, and my sister spent a good amount of time at the end of the service reassuring me and praying healing and protection over me.  I was very encouraged and felt like I had the strength to move forward. The woman that was praying with us said something that I will never forget.  She said "Jesus lives at the end of your rope".  It was such a powerful visual because I have always heard "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on".  Putting the two ideas together was helpful and I was able to remember that I am most certainly not alone in this life.

Maddening Thinking

I over analyze things and it makes me crazy.  I find something that I have done and instead of learning and moving on or giving myself credit for whatever I have accomplished, I break it down into little bitty pieces and scrutinize everything to the extreme.  Unfortunately, this drives some people nuts and pushes them away because they don't understand.  I wish I understood the peaceful mind, I would love to be able to just not think about something at all times, to not be constantly plagued by nagging and irritating thoughts of how I could be, do, think, speak, look, work, sing, or play better.  To be able to understand that death is not a prerequisite to a quiet mind.  

Even as I type I am thinking about what it would be like to have a peaceful mind, and immediately I start imagining all of the things I could think about and do if I weren't worried about other things.  I would love to sit here and analyze this with you, but I am going to let you take this as it is - raw, honest, irritating, and maddening. I wouldn't be passionate, determined, and me if I swung to the other extreme, so I will just work from where I am to get better each day....whatever that may entail.

You are Loved

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Tears of Freedom

You broke me down and didn't even care
Used, abused, I sit here and stare
into space as I remember our full past
that flew by so terribly and painfully fast.

I wish you were human or even humane 
only you know that you gave me this pain
Your evil pops up in front of my face
those memories of which I refuse to embrace
Without expectation the hate and fear builds
It is then that I am forced to rely on my skills.

Monday, February 14, 2011


This year, I am single on Valentine's Day.  

I wasn't so excited about this and woke up in a relatively sour mood.  For those of you that know me well, it is clear that I am not one who is comfortable being crabby or negative for any extended period of time.  So, to remedy this cloudy funk I am in, I have been thinking of ways that I can make today a more pleasing and gratitude filled day.

And then it dawned on me:

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Hello my blogalicious friends in bloggyville!  Today I would like to tackle an issue that just drives me bonkers.  I will warn you that I have my sassy pants on and am feeling a bit punchy and this will likely be evident in the following discussion (which you may later deem a 'rant')

I am an extrovert, and I thoroughly enjoy connecting with people and building relationships.  I do not discriminate in my selection of communication medium, whether it be Facebook, a blog, email, text, letters, journals, in person, or on the phone, I love connecting with people.  I get satisfaction out of having scintillating conversations with people who have a view point.  I have many passions and I am also a sponge - soaking up as much information as is humanly possible.  So, when you marry my love of communication, the busy world we live in, and my love for writing, you get a sizable amount of texting, blogging, and 'Facebooking'.  

Now, what really grinds my when I get involved in conversations about the 'appropriate use of Facebook' and the perceptions of 'bloggers'.  Boy oh boy do I have an opinion on this one.  Here goes...

To Recovery and Beyond!

Anorexia defined the first 25 years of my life and brought with it quite a bit of negativity and actually some positive experiences; but the upside of an eating disorder cannot remotely compare to the freedom and love that I will experience living in recovery for the rest of my life.  This is my story.

The first time that I knew that I was not good enough was when I was about 4 years old.  My then-step father violated me and made sure that I knew not to tell my mother.  “If your mother finds out about this, she will stop loving you” were the words that cut through my little body and scarred my heart.  This was my first full memory, but I didn’t remember it until I was 16.  Not long after this event, my mom ran into financial issues and made the decision to give my dad full custody of me.  By the time I was 6, I was living in Minnesota with my dad and his wife (who would become the mom who raised me).  One of my first daycare providers took it upon herself to monitor and manipulate my weight by allowing me half of the amount of food that the other kids got and having me run laps around the perimeter of the house when the other kids were having snacks.  This coupled with hearing women in my life discuss their ‘fat thighs’ lead me to the realization that my body was definitely not good enough at six years of age.  

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Passions, Thorns, and Blessings

Wow, so many things have been happening in my life and I am just trying to wrap my head around them.  New passions of mine are becoming blatantly obvious, thorns that have always been in my side have started to throb, and blessings have been coming out of the woodwork.  

Example 1:
I always believe that things happen for a reason.  Two days ago, my doctor scheduled an upper GI 9am today (Thursday)...well I have Biology Lecture at 9:45 a half hour from the clinic.  Last night I decided I was going to reschedule the test so I could go to class and this morning, I woke up an hour late and realized I only had time to get to the clinic.  I arrived and did the test, and during the process talked to the lab technician about her daughter who also goes to the eating disorder clinic where I receive treatment.  In the course of our conversation, I was able to tell her of my recovery and remind her that her 15 year old is the patient and her team knows what is best for her.  I was able to use my passion for recovery and my hard work to help another family who is being plagued by this the end we were both in tears and I shared some resources for this distressed mother and I received one of the most love-filled hugs I have ever experienced.