Tuesday, June 19, 2012

"Living in the NOW"

Question of the Day:  
What can I do, right now, to enjoy my life, 
without looking into the future or hanging onto the past?


Life happens in THIS moment.  I tend to live always looking at my current deficiency and working toward a life that is much better.  Never quite there, always slowed down but working toward something bigger. 

I have been held back by my past:
     -Marriage and Divorce
     -Self Loathing
     -among other things

I keep working toward the future:
     -College Graduation
     -among other things

There is a gap between past and future, and it is NOW... as humans we tend to focus on the beginning and end, but forget that life happens in the dash, in the journey.

 If I am living in this moment, what can I do to live more fully right now?:
     -Go to the lakes and see pretty things
     -Notice people and things that make me happy or inquisitive
     -Learn about all the things I ponder (documentaries, books, museums)
     -Make art!  Think creatively
     -Take care of my body... with compassion and grace

We don't always have to be working on or building our future lives.  I am realizing that it will always be future goals, I will always want it to be better or I will find defects in myself and be driven to improve before I feel worthy of anything positive.  I can BE without having a goal in every moment.

I can sit at Perkins and read something other than school/self-help books.  
I can go to a park without a reason.  
I can drive around aimlessly just to feel the breeze and look at the clouds.  

I don't need to judge and justify every action, reaction, and thought.  I can just BE without being overly concerned with the outcome or gain that I could achieve by certain actions.  I am starting to understand the concept of "living in the now".  

Being goal oriented can be a way to accomplish things in life, and that is an awesome quality to possess; however, just like anything, too much can be detrimental.  Over achieving has given me a way to run away from the past and to pull me forward from where I am right now.  

Guess what!?!  -  I am safe from my past, it is over.  I get to learn from it and have the privilege of not having to relive it.  Just because I allow it to be over doesn't mean that I am invalidating that it happened or that it hurt, I am merely taking back the power that my offenders took from me a long time ago (and the power that I let them keep).  I also am not a slave to my future, God says he has my plans laid out, and I trust that... no amount of work or toil will make Him love me any less or take away anything positive that He has planned for me.

I have made it, 
I have worked hard, survived, and kept my faith.  
It is time to LIVE.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Journey, a Quest

I used to be in love, till death do us part,
You broke your own vows, and ran with my heart.
I tried to distract, the journey, a quest,
I found men, jobs, and money but failed to find rest.

Burned out and exhausted, bad health ensued
while I realized my life, at that moment, was screwed.
Out of money and resource, and a place of my own
humility sprouted within, a plant not full grown.

Others provided that which I could not,
 intense guilt that I felt, burying me in a plot.
I chose not to die, rather I forged right ahead
its been three years now and I am still not dead.

The ocean around me continues to churn
the large waves crash, but the tide does turn.
Loving to live trumps living to love,
peace often comes right after the shove.

New friends I have made have opened my eyes
to the wonders that lay below the blue skies.
Creation around us through people, and song
shows complexity - a human so strong.

I embrace the beauty and say thanks for the day
gratitude is best met with a heart that will stay.
I have found a new love, trustworthy and strong.
He promises not to hurt me and sings a sweet song.

The book that He wrote is well guided and true,
it brings me much comfort, like a good coffee brew.
When I remember the pain and the anguish of past
I know that He was there, and his protection will last.

He lives not on this earth, rather in my strong heart,
the sacrifice He made for me was definitely art.
He won't walk away, His love is so deep
words don't describe the commitment to His sheep.

The future is unclear, and it will surely bring pain,
but the heavy blows and wounds will no longer stain.
The Lord is my shepherd, they often do say,
with my life and my actions I will continue to pray.

<3 <3 <3