Shame and Redemption

You are a dull razor

grinding against my heart

dragging slowly,

tearing fibers one at a time.

Not deep enough to kill.

Strong enough to wound, to burn,

searing and branding me,

a constant reminder of your presence.

 

When you chase, I run.

A pursuit of perfection,

body, mind, and spirit.

Damaging myself to avoid you.

Starving, working, sacrificing,

striving, extending, dying.

 

When you catch me, I am paralyzed

stuck, terrified, frozen.

You project my failures,

a public feature.

Most painfully, I believe you,

enslaved by your hatred.

You spew venom:

You say I am worthless,

flawed, unlovable, hated.

You promise protection,

but deliver isolation, fear, and pain.

My heart hurts, I feel inadequate;

you congratulate yourself.

Your dull razor burns, scars, ruins.

 

The greatest lie that you tell

is that you don't exist.

Your goal is to kill me,

to demolish love, belonging,

relationships, and life.

 

This isn't the end.

I have an ace in the hole.

He is greater than you in any form.

He is the Healer, He speaks life.

"I will never leave you or forsake you."

 

"I loved you before you were born"

 

"You are free in my Love."

 

"If I am for you, who can be against you?"

He touches my scars,

they disappear.

He wraps me in a blanket of safety.

He restores my soul.

 

He is Truth, Love, my Refuge.

The battle is won, my worth is not in myself,

it comes from the Lord.

 

Shame, you have no hold on me.

Personal Interdependence

Today in church we had a guest minister, and he talked about Jesus' words being LIFE, that they speak life into one's inner man, into our spirit.  There are many other religions that have different texts and scriptures, but the difference is that Jesus words feed the soul that was breathed into us by God.  The other texts feed the superficial philosophical part of the human, and often times impart wisdom and understanding of life, but the Word feeds the deepest soul. 

 

When Adam was created, God had a statue of clay, and then he breathed life into the statue and it became human.  The life force that we have within us is God's own spirit.  Which makes me understand a bit more why there is such dissonance in this world.  Every human has God's spirit within them, whether or not they want it... it is just a fact, and when that spirit is misunderstood or rejected, there is a grinding inner struggle.  The Spirit of Life is within us - the human being - our life force is God's own breath.  We are spiritual beings imperfectly contained in nothing more than jars of clay. 

Since the word is God breathed, and Jesus words speak LIFE into our spirit, it seems apropos that we spend ample time in the word.  There is no right or wrong way to devour the word.  Read it, meditate on it, write about it, tell about it, sing it, etc. Its like a sandwich, there is no right or wrong way to  eat it, you just do and you get the nourishment from it. 

I had never thought of feeding my spirit, or really what my spirit WAS in essence.  Now knowing that it is God's spirit within me, and recognizing that the only way to strengthen that, honor it, and nourish it is to spend time in the word; I can now see why my spiritual health wavers.  I never really knew the importance of spending time in the word except that I was 'supposed to'. 

Going a step further, I started to wonder how feeding myself spiritually relates to feeding myself physically and vice versa.  As I prayed about this in church, God flooded me with information and nuggets of wisdom that only HE could have imparted.  It is hard to explain exactly how I feel about this, so I'll just write and see how it goes. 

It seems that only when I feed my spirit will I be able to confidently feed my body, and only when I feed my body will I faithfully feed my spirit.  They go hand in hand, and when my spirit is hungry, my body tends to be too; rather, when my spirit is hungry, I make my body hungry by starving it. 

Now I could go down the shame road with this and just chalk it up to "I'm a bad Christian and I am a bad recovery candidate, I can't keep either in balance and I am a terrible person."  Or, I can respond the way God inspired me to today.  I realize that they are interdependent.  When I am focusing on my spiritual health, the urges to restrict and starve myself decrease and the ability to eat regularly and take care of myself is greatly increased.  When reversed, it would be true that not feeding my body would decrease my ability to focus or understand the word, which would result in an inability to receive as much of the spiritual food as I am capable. 

I have always wondered what factors made this eating disorder stick around, and why I just can't seem to find the answer.  I have read self-help books, been through years of therapy, treatment, and physical healing, I have turned to mentors, friends, and family and I when it comes down to it, I still struggle with eating and taking care of myself. 

Today God showed me that mySELF and myBODY are two parts of the same thing.  I had it separated in my mind for some reason.  I assumed that neglecting my body had nothing to do with the health of my spirit, and that my soul was not connected to my body.  This is still something that I struggle with, and I know that is because of the amount of time in my life that I separated my body from my spirit in order to survive traumas.  Now I am starting to learn that the traumas are behind me, and I can ask the Lord of my life to re-attach my life force and my body in my mind so that I can be a whole, authentic, Spirit filled, healthy, nourished woman. 

I open my arms and cry out to the Lord that I'm all His, my soul, my spirit, my flaws, my disorders, my creativity, my body, my mind, and everything else.  I step across the line that is drawn in the sand.  I step into His presence, His comfort, His healing, and His everlasting spirit.  I cannot heal my body and mind without healing my spirit, and I cannot strengthen and fortify my life force without Him who breathed it into me. 

My spirit is not independent of my body and mind, and my body and mind are not independent of my spirit.  My mind, body and spirit are interdependent.

It seems very clear at this point that satan's plan is to starve my body so that my spirit will die, and I will no longer be a shining beacon for Christ.  The only way to protect myself against him is to put on the armor of God, get into the Word, immerse myself in His presence, and nourish the Spirit that God breathed into me.  This will give me the strength and peace to nourish my body so that I may again nourish my soul.  

Food for Thought:

How amazing that the very energy that keeps us alive is actually God's breath… think about that… what does that mean for you in your life... where does that hit you in your heart... does it ring true for you?  I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below this post. 

 

Be blessed, Be loved, Believe. <3

New Chapters

Wow... well it has been just over a year since I last wrote on this here bloggy thing. 

So lets see... where did we leave off?.. Oh, right, I was just beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel as far as school goes.  I was coming into my senior year at the University of Minnesota, and trying to figure out how I was going to continue tolerating the financial and relational purgatory that I had found myself in.  I was flat broke, working a part time job, convinced that my prince would never come, and unsure of my foreseeable future. 

Since then, life has been crazy busy, and so many things have transpired.  I am now a college graduate, I live in a great townhome in the burbs, have been in recovery for over a year, have a great boyfriend, and a new puppy.  I just traveled to Puerto Vallerta, Mexico, and completed a road trip from Minnesota to Texas and back.  (Insert bucket list... check and check). 

I am miles away from where I was in 2012, and when I look back about 4 years, I feel like a different person.  If I met my present-day self back in June of 2009, I wouldn't even recognize the woman standing before me.  Maybe someday I will write a short story about when 'little-h haley' from 2009, meets 'big-H Haley' from 2013.  Another day.

Currently I am working on a book, well, I am researching a subject so that I can write a book.  I am excited to share it with you, though I don't think it will be a rapid process.  Now that I am a college graduate, I can read and write... well, I always knew how to do these; the difference is that now I can read for pleasure and write about things that I care about rather than reading about microtubules and writing about Festinger's social comparison theory as it pertains to youth in a technologically driven culture.  Though those things are interesting as well.

So here is to a new adventure...

Until next time, be blessed, be loved, and believe.