Sunday, December 25, 2011

Fly Free

To you my dear, in truth I do plead,
all I would ask is that you care when I bleed.
I am waiting to care for, and love you sincere
and it seems you don't notice that I am right here.

My heart hurts in the eve when I sit here alone
feeling as my heart will forever be stone.
I had the great privilege of building a home
but now it is gone and alone I do roam.

So they say in some circles that patience is gold
and I thought I had earned it as the days got old.
I wish I could say that I know you are mine
however that is something only told by time.

We all have in us the capacity to care
and that I won't receive love is my only scare.
Empathy is clear in my heart and my life
and its true I can meet you in pain and in strife.

Your heart I would fix if I only knew how
but it is not possible to do that right now.
I pray for you in earnest, honestly I do
and I hope that your mood rarely feels blue.

I ask for serenity to accept those I can't change
but this desperate need to love is really quite strange
I will work it out in the end I am sure
and before I find yours, I need to find my cure.

My heart it gets sad and it clearly can cry
but the depth of the darkness shows the brilliance of sky.
Without the deep dark there would never be light
and without pain we would never learn to fight.

I am passionate about my love and whom I give it to
and the choice is mine, I no longer give it to you.
Taking for granted the love that is here
will only set you up for a future unclear.

I am doing my best to be someone to love
but I cannot do more and you I can't shove.
I choose to let go and let you fly free
so that I can take my heart back and truly be me.


Friday, November 4, 2011

The Cure

I am searching for you dear - my one true love
the one that will fit my heart like a glove.
The road has been bumpy and filled with some fears
but I know you will hold me and wipe away my tears.

I pray for you daily and hope you are near,
but if not I pray God will whisper in your ear.
I pray you are safe and you are living life well
I might make your life better as far as I can tell.

It may not be time for us to meet or become one
but I know you are out there as sure as the Sun.
God promised us a future with hope and no despair
which makes me sure that you are out there somewhere.

Love and much respect are both hidden in my heart
and these both are yours once we are able to start.
I don't know your name, your face, or even your voice
but it doesn't matter because waiting for you is my choice.

I choose to be patient, kind, and ultimately loyal
and you can know for sure that my love doesn't spoil.
I have so much to give you, you don't even know
my intentions are pure, like freshly fallen snow.

I will wait as long as it takes for you to show up
and when you do, I'll be ready with coffee in my cup.
A connection so strong, so lasting and so pure
may prove to be for this ailing heart an absolute cure.

Until we meet I will keep praying for your safety
for your family and friends and what you're up to lately
Please know you are in my soul already my love
and you are someone I will always and forever think of.


Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Human Within the Chaos

It has been a long time since I have posted, and quite honestly, I haven't really been in the mindset to write anything down as my thoughts have been quite scattered.  As most of you know my blog kind of documents my journey through life, the rough times, and the good.  Sometimes it comes out in poetry, and sometimes as a letter or journal.  Tonight, I am not poetic, I just miss sharing with you and getting what seems like crazy ideas out of my head and onto the screen.  

If you don't know, I am a survivor of many things, lately I am most focused on surviving anorexia and also post traumatic stress disorder.  The eating disorder definitely feeds off of the fear and terror that the ptsd causes so together they can really wreak havoc on a person's mental and physical well-being.  I am not afraid to tell you that I struggle, I am not even afraid that you will judge me, my fear is that mental illness will be forever misunderstood and treated as a taboo subject.  

Today I had three or four people ask me what PTSD was and how I could have it since I have not been in the military.  I think that is a great topic to discuss because countless people suffer from this diagnosis every day because it is misunderstood and stereotyped.  First of all, there are 2 types of PTSD.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Outside Looking In

You stand at the window and witness me fall
and desire to help but you can't even call
looking in from the outside its a powerless place
and all you want is peace to reside in my space

My furniture is broken, previous ruin did it in
justifying the fear from the people looking in
The walls are in grave danger as wobbly they stand
and from outside, it appears that you have been banned.

Monday, July 25, 2011

His Love Endures Forever

Lately I have been on the fast track in my spiritual journey. Historically I have experienced God as a manly man, arrogant AND loving, aloof AND concerned.  Recently I have been rearranging my view of God and the role He plays in my life.  There has always been this dialectic - that God was mean AND I was supposed to encourage other people to love Him.  I respected my faith and knew that love was part of God's character, but I did not have any sense of mercy or grace.  Not having a grasp on those two concepts makes it almost impossible to understand the width and the height of His Majesty and why He is so stinking amazing.  

In the past couple of weeks I have run into some major financial need, a need so large that either I won the lottery to cover it, or would need God to sweep in and save the day.  I started praying about this need and sounded something to the effect of "God, Im sorry Im alive, and I don't expect you to help me, but if you could I would greatly appreciate it".  I came to His feet sheepishly and doubting that He would help me.  I had no idea the context of our relationship, I didn't embrace the love that He had for me or how far that love extended.  

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Winds of Change

Who do you see when you look at me?
I mean when you actually gaze.
I know who it is that I want to be
but clear focus not often stays.

Immensely and suddenly my life has changed
in my heart I just want to belong
to be accepted and loved regardless of 
whether or not I am deemed to be strong.

At times I believe I'm a fraud or a fake
because I get so sorely confused
and when people see that I'm not always firm
they think I deserve to be used.

Its not the truth, and no one deserves
to be victimized, hurt, or enslaved
and the more I work to live and to 'be'
I take one step out of the grave.

Whoever you think it is that you see
will sometimes and often change
but that is the slow process of growing up
to be tossed, turned and rearranged.

The only true constant thing in life
is change and the the result that it brings
but if not for the constant ebb and flow
only the slow and old songs we would sing.

If all people in the world remained the same
revolution and industry we'd lack
and the progress made in the last few years
would put human rights way back.

So when you look at me and think that I've changed
you are absolutely right
Just like the rest of the developing world
I'm flexible and abounding in might.

I may get frustrated and want it to stop
and for the winds of change to slow
but honestly if they did as I asked
I would not dawn this healthy glow.

Each day I chose change over staying in place
because I know a great life abounds
when we can let go of the past and keep trucking on
and listen to the winds gentle sounds.


Saturday, June 11, 2011

Words Can Kill

I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that for everything that happens there is a use and a purpose for the event.  Sometimes people come into our lives to stay for a reason, for a season, or a lifetime.  I would like to think that everyone comes into my life for a lifetime, but really if that happened to any of us, we would have toooo many people in our lives and we would never grow.  

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

"I will be patient in steadily working toward my goal, remembering that all good comes in time"

I am sitting here on my couch writing as I am watching "Eat, Pray, Love" and thinking about the aforementioned quote.  Today I was confronted with the reality of a fork in the road.  Without giving every boring detail, the jist of the story is that I was getting into a situation that was exciting and validating but not because I was ready and excited to move forward, but because it was the perfect distraction.  Everyone wants to feel needed, and attractive and that is what I was experiencing.  The problem is that I am dealing with some heavy things that are necessary, and frankly, exhausting.  Topics that are not able to be worked on while hiding behind another relationship or professional endeavor.

Friday, May 13, 2011

I wish you knew...

You perceive me as selfish, conceited and spilling self love
My swagger is confusing, and I don't fit like a glove.
You don't get me because Im not a copy of you
and the topics that make me tick make you desire a clue.

You sit back from your seat of comfort and safety
and judge how I live, who I love, and who I am frankly.
I appologize that you don't understand how I am made
and I have worked long and hard to achieve a good grade.

Not many people get it, and I don't know how to convey
that these things that I live with are really hard to say.
The way I show  myself to this world may to you seem odd
and you may even judge it as a front, charade, or facade.

These qualities are not the definition of true integrity
but I am just working on surviving and trying to be me.
I pray every day that you would open your eyes and see
that I am not as bad as you make me out to be.

If you only knew that my heart breaks in the evening
and that my heart cries when I get caught up in my singing.
That I am dealing with demons that haunt me day and night
and there is no one, no thing, and no help in sight.

The fights that I battle and the race that I run
is surely not done for the hell of it or for fun.
To live to my fullest is my passion and goal
and I will not give up and go down the rabbit hole.

I am working on my stuff and its not on your time
I wish you could see that what I do is not a crime.
I am fully aware that your perception is your reality
and it is clear that my life seems to be an abnormality.

I am human, fallible, sometimes insecure but strong
the road of humanity involves the desire to belong.
Don't worry because I don't put myself up too high
you don't have to bring me down so I don't touch the sky.

The way I present my life to the wide world abroad
is the way I wish I could be without being a fraud.
My goal is to emulate the qualities I convey
and to make you proud of me till your dying day.

Please come along side me and learn who I am 
without making quick judgments with a superficial scan.
I am so much more than a shallow masquerade 
and that is due to God's image by who I am made.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Belated Christmas Card

I wrote this in December 2010 and it feels very relevant today so I am reposting:

I was thinking today...What would I say to someone that broke my heart....not that I have any experience with such an event, it was just pondering.  So IF said event were ever to occur, this is what I would say:

I am done trying to please you, you will never be happy.  You abuse, you lie, you hurt without realizing it.  Why?  Because you are a heartless selfish hateful and depraved person.  When they say that satan isn't real, I know they are wrong because you are his pitiful offspring.  You are someone that I wish I had never met.

Betrayal and Grace

This is a post I wrote May 6, 2010 shortly after my divorce was final:

Betrayal is a word that many people are aquainted with unfortunately. 

You hear stories all the time of people who have been in committed relationships, were faithful, jumped through the hoops of an abusive spouse/partner, maybe supported them financially through - say - the pursuit of a degree. They sometimes give up all of their dreams and their wants, and even their health just to make the other person happy and feeling respected. 

The betrayal sometimes comes in two parts. Part 1: The abusive partner may leave you during your time of need, say a hospitalization or a low point in your life, and Part 2: They may decide before they leave you to cheat (physically or emotionally) with the person they end up with a day after the break up occurs. 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

No Longer Enslaved

All of the sudden and out of the blue,
the images come back reminding me of you.
Not pleasant thoughts or heartwarming things,
but pure pain and hurt and oh Lord it stings.

In the middle of the night, your abuse haunts me still,
and I wake up afterward with an eerie terror and chill.
I pray that the Lord would deliver me soon,
so I may sleep in peace and celebrate the moon.

Post traumatic stress disorder is no laughing matter,
and its not just the soldiers who's minds have been battered.
I have lived through my share of abuse and neglect,
and I am living proof that this mess can be checked.

Fear surrounds me when the flashbacks come on,
and I have to remind myself that I can stand strong.
As God as my witness I am going to proclaim,
that this valley I walk through will not be in vain.

My God is my fortress, and he will anoint,
and  regardless of this emotion, I will remain on point.
I was created to be beautiful, with no spirit of fear,
with humility and enormous faith I ask God to steer.

My life is not mine, rather a gift to live freely,
and I know that no person can attempt to be me.
You can't hurt me anymore, I am no longer enslaved,
With my Lord and my Savior I have surely been saved.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Its just one of those days.  My dialogue is as follows:

"Look at the test scores!  You didn't do better than a C on any of the tests in the last week, you aren't working nearly hard enough on getting a 'beach ready' body, you are not doing your meal plan perfectly, you are probably annoying everyone around you, and you are weird just because you are having these thoughts.  You don't have time to be tired because there are other tests that you obviously need to start studying for right now and you need to get on top of the to-do list."

Monday, April 11, 2011

Walk With Me

Major pet peeve:  
When someone witnesses a decision I make and comments with something along the lines of "Would you do that in church", or "That wasn't a very 'Christian' thing for you to do."

Let me clear this up.  I am a Christian...and that is because I am a sinner, not because I lack sin.  If I didn't need to be saved, why would I choose my faith??  We are all humans, fallible and imperfect; that especially includes Christians.  I go to church for inspiration and tips on how to live a better life, not to show everyone how 'perfect' and 'good' I am.  I don't go to church because I have to, but because it enriches my life and gives me a place to worship my God in the way I feel most comfortable (which is mainly singing).  

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Keep on Rollin...

Today I happened to get to church just as the music was ending and the pastor was beginning to speak.  I rolled in looking a tad disheveled as I had inadvertently spent the night in south Minneapolis at a friend's house after watching movies and not wanting to get my lazy booty up and drive home.  Needless to say, I was looking like I rolled out of bed.  

As I came into church, I was expecting to feel strongly condemned or convicted because of some of the self discovery that I had done during the week.  I was still wrestling the idea that questioning my faith and where it is rooted was a sin in and of itself.  Almost immediately, the pastor said "And if you feel like you have something that you need to confess, know that God has already absolved your sin and you are free." - Wow!  My heart was put at peace from the get-go which was very helpful as there was definitely more to come.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Recently I have done a lot of introspection and self work and have made some incredible discoveries about myself and the world around me.  I have been bothered lately by the amount of discrepancy there was between my faith and my heart.  After talking to a lot of people, working with my therapist and praying on it, I have finally come to an explanation of my faith that fits my heart like a glove.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Growth and Movement

I don't think that you quite understand
this is definitely not the life I had planned
This road that I'm on took a scary left turn
and for some reason I got bruised and burned.

The dark hatred which lurks and lives in your heart
was not apparent and was masked from the start
I am at a fork in the road on this journey of mine
where I can stray toward you or stand firmly in line

Friday, March 25, 2011

The Smart Blonde (dare I say?)

When I ask you to think about 
a tall blonde woman donned in a pink and black suit with pink high heels, 
what do you think??

If you are like the majority of the United States, you would have said something to the effect of 'ditz', 'airhead', 'outgoing', maybe even 'promiscuous'?  Well, because sex sells, and this is the stereotypical 'model' type, it is understandable for people to have a preconceived notion as to who a person is because of their appearance.  I admit that even I catch myself placing stereotypes and judgments on other women.  At the heart of it though, a blonde woman is the same as a brunette woman who is the same as any other human being as far as worth and potential are concerned.  Unfortunately, this is not how people are portrayed in the media.  I have found blatant proof this week.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Here I am...On the road again.

The last few days have been incredibly challenging, I have been hit on all sides not only in waking hours but in sleeping as well.  Anxiety is a tough thing to handle on its own, but add a week of nightmare filled nights and flashback filled days and you get a bit of a mess.

Today in church I cried through the whole service. At the beginning it was because I was so exhausted from the last 2 years of struggling, and by the end it was because I was reassured that I wasn't alone.  The pastor, one of the women in the church, and my sister spent a good amount of time at the end of the service reassuring me and praying healing and protection over me.  I was very encouraged and felt like I had the strength to move forward. The woman that was praying with us said something that I will never forget.  She said "Jesus lives at the end of your rope".  It was such a powerful visual because I have always heard "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on".  Putting the two ideas together was helpful and I was able to remember that I am most certainly not alone in this life.

Maddening Thinking

I over analyze things and it makes me crazy.  I find something that I have done and instead of learning and moving on or giving myself credit for whatever I have accomplished, I break it down into little bitty pieces and scrutinize everything to the extreme.  Unfortunately, this drives some people nuts and pushes them away because they don't understand.  I wish I understood the peaceful mind, I would love to be able to just not think about something at all times, to not be constantly plagued by nagging and irritating thoughts of how I could be, do, think, speak, look, work, sing, or play better.  To be able to understand that death is not a prerequisite to a quiet mind.  

Even as I type I am thinking about what it would be like to have a peaceful mind, and immediately I start imagining all of the things I could think about and do if I weren't worried about other things.  I would love to sit here and analyze this with you, but I am going to let you take this as it is - raw, honest, irritating, and maddening. I wouldn't be passionate, determined, and me if I swung to the other extreme, so I will just work from where I am to get better each day....whatever that may entail.

You are Loved

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Tears of Freedom

You broke me down and didn't even care
Used, abused, I sit here and stare
into space as I remember our full past
that flew by so terribly and painfully fast.

I wish you were human or even humane 
only you know that you gave me this pain
Your evil pops up in front of my face
those memories of which I refuse to embrace
Without expectation the hate and fear builds
It is then that I am forced to rely on my skills.

Monday, February 14, 2011


This year, I am single on Valentine's Day.  

I wasn't so excited about this and woke up in a relatively sour mood.  For those of you that know me well, it is clear that I am not one who is comfortable being crabby or negative for any extended period of time.  So, to remedy this cloudy funk I am in, I have been thinking of ways that I can make today a more pleasing and gratitude filled day.

And then it dawned on me:

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Hello my blogalicious friends in bloggyville!  Today I would like to tackle an issue that just drives me bonkers.  I will warn you that I have my sassy pants on and am feeling a bit punchy and this will likely be evident in the following discussion (which you may later deem a 'rant')

I am an extrovert, and I thoroughly enjoy connecting with people and building relationships.  I do not discriminate in my selection of communication medium, whether it be Facebook, a blog, email, text, letters, journals, in person, or on the phone, I love connecting with people.  I get satisfaction out of having scintillating conversations with people who have a view point.  I have many passions and I am also a sponge - soaking up as much information as is humanly possible.  So, when you marry my love of communication, the busy world we live in, and my love for writing, you get a sizable amount of texting, blogging, and 'Facebooking'.  

Now, what really grinds my when I get involved in conversations about the 'appropriate use of Facebook' and the perceptions of 'bloggers'.  Boy oh boy do I have an opinion on this one.  Here goes...

To Recovery and Beyond!

Anorexia defined the first 25 years of my life and brought with it quite a bit of negativity and actually some positive experiences; but the upside of an eating disorder cannot remotely compare to the freedom and love that I will experience living in recovery for the rest of my life.  This is my story.

The first time that I knew that I was not good enough was when I was about 4 years old.  My then-step father violated me and made sure that I knew not to tell my mother.  “If your mother finds out about this, she will stop loving you” were the words that cut through my little body and scarred my heart.  This was my first full memory, but I didn’t remember it until I was 16.  Not long after this event, my mom ran into financial issues and made the decision to give my dad full custody of me.  By the time I was 6, I was living in Minnesota with my dad and his wife (who would become the mom who raised me).  One of my first daycare providers took it upon herself to monitor and manipulate my weight by allowing me half of the amount of food that the other kids got and having me run laps around the perimeter of the house when the other kids were having snacks.  This coupled with hearing women in my life discuss their ‘fat thighs’ lead me to the realization that my body was definitely not good enough at six years of age.  

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Passions, Thorns, and Blessings

Wow, so many things have been happening in my life and I am just trying to wrap my head around them.  New passions of mine are becoming blatantly obvious, thorns that have always been in my side have started to throb, and blessings have been coming out of the woodwork.  

Example 1:
I always believe that things happen for a reason.  Two days ago, my doctor scheduled an upper GI 9am today (Thursday)...well I have Biology Lecture at 9:45 a half hour from the clinic.  Last night I decided I was going to reschedule the test so I could go to class and this morning, I woke up an hour late and realized I only had time to get to the clinic.  I arrived and did the test, and during the process talked to the lab technician about her daughter who also goes to the eating disorder clinic where I receive treatment.  In the course of our conversation, I was able to tell her of my recovery and remind her that her 15 year old is the patient and her team knows what is best for her.  I was able to use my passion for recovery and my hard work to help another family who is being plagued by this the end we were both in tears and I shared some resources for this distressed mother and I received one of the most love-filled hugs I have ever experienced.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

To bottle or not to bottle?

Lately I have been on a journey of authenticity.  I have found that I use optimism as a way to keep myself safe from questions regarding my feelings about past experiences.  It is also the fastest way to isolate myself and deceive people about my true nature.  I do not often admit that I am vulnerable and sometimes scared.  I also do not admit that I don't know how to handle everything and I am not doing a good job of holding the world on my shoulders.  

Friday, January 21, 2011

Food...yup thats

As many of you know, I have had a love-hate relationship with food my entire life....well....mainly hate.  I had an intense phobia of food and it controlled me for many 20 of them.  This is a topic all on its own, and another topic would be that my relationship with food was a 'cover-up issue' for other things I could not deal with....neither of these are included today in detail.  

What I am here to say is that I am loving food now.  I wonder if you ever sit down at a meal and taste your food, or if you are too busy talking, working, studying, or generally spacing out to even realize what you are doing? 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Self Care...Pleasure or Pain?

I am the worst when it comes to self care.  I am working on it, however, it is a subject that is most commonly mentioned to me by loved ones (meaning it is still an issue).  I spent a good 6 months just trying to figure out what self care actually is.  What I found is a not so complex set of actions which result in the caring of one's self...don't you love the circular definition?  These actions can be as 'simple' as sleeping enough, and eating a myriad of foods with no rigidity, or it can scale all the way to seeing a doctor, having surgery, or climbing a mountain.  Self care is anything that you can do to nurture your mind, body, and spirit.  

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Dear Lie/Ed

I would like to introduce you to a man with whom I have had a 20 year relationship with.  He is an asshole.  These are some of the things that he says to me:

Friday, January 14, 2011

Trusting, Naive, or just Plain Stupid?

I have always been a very trusting and forgiving person, and I find that these are qualities that most people value and respect.  The only thing is that "most" people is not "all" people.  The scum that falls outside of "most" people are the urchins that take advantage of trusting and forgiving people. 

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Day to Celebrate!

Today, I am celebrating ONE YEAR of freedom!  Freedom from what you ask??

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Do I Please You?

People Pleasing:  The impossible act of attempting to read other people's mind in order to do exactly what they want to make their life better or make them happy.

I have spent my life attempting to please everyone around me for many reasons, but mainly so that I wouldn't ever be alone.  Now I could go into a tearful sob story about my family of origin and blah and blah blah blah.... I am not going to do that.  What I am going to say is that the effort to blindly please people is in vain.  It is 100% impossible to please the people around you!  You are not capable of controlling other people's emotions...including happiness.  No matter how hard you try, you will NEVER make someone feel something.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Ego...whats the big deal??

Alright, big topic tonight....the infamous, all consuming, glutton for judgement EGO.  It seems that no matter where we are in life, we are never quite good enough - our ego is either too small or too big (sounds a lot like the weight loss industry).  This obsession with acting, thinking, and speaking "right" has turned out a generation of people saying: "She is too into herself", or "He is so insecure", or "She is too confident", or "He just needs to love himself more."  Is it just me, or is there a gap here?  It seems to me that people are either too low on themselves, or we (in all of our glory) have the obligation to knock them down a peg if they get too confident. 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Well Here We Are


Here I am, months after first thinking to create a blog.  I ran this idea past quite a few friends, and after praying about it, I decided to go ahead with the creation not only as an outlet for ideas and passions, but also as a place to publicly share my love of writing.  I was so blessed to hear that many people were interested in subscribing after reading some of my notes on Facebook, it is a true testament to how the written word can bring people together and spur fantastic discussion.