Lately I have been on the fast track in my spiritual journey. Historically I have experienced God as a manly man, arrogant AND loving, aloof AND concerned. Recently I have been rearranging my view of God and the role He plays in my life. There has always been this dialectic - that God was mean AND I was supposed to encourage other people to love Him. I respected my faith and knew that love was part of God's character, but I did not have any sense of mercy or grace. Not having a grasp on those two concepts makes it almost impossible to understand the width and the height of His Majesty and why He is so stinking amazing.
In the past couple of weeks I have run into some major financial need, a need so large that either I won the lottery to cover it, or would need God to sweep in and save the day. I started praying about this need and sounded something to the effect of "God, Im sorry Im alive, and I don't expect you to help me, but if you could I would greatly appreciate it". I came to His feet sheepishly and doubting that He would help me. I had no idea the context of our relationship, I didn't embrace the love that He had for me or how far that love extended.
In talking with some close friends and people whom I respect, I noticed that I was acting as if God was a negative mixture of all of the male influences in my life - including but not limited to - arrogant, loving, selfish, protective, egotistical, upstanding, self-serving, productive, angry, intelligent, hostile, manipulative and tricky. This implicit belief caused me to act as if I had to be perfect to gain His favor. I felt like I needed to step on eggshells and be blameless and completely sin free in His sight.
As I realized this, I decided that I wanted to know the truth, and I simply said "God, I don't know Your character as much as I would like, I know You have promises for me, but I don't know what hoops I need to jump through to get my needs met. Please meet me in the middle and help me trust You and know who You are."
After that prayer, things started to change in my life. Within 2 weeks, I had doors open that allowed me to move out into my own apartment, I made major headway in my treatment, my social circle doubled, my major depression lifted, and I got a job that I absolutely love. That was just on the outside. Within me, things were moving and rearranging, and some very integral things were made clear. I acknowledged that God cannot be put into a box, and that He is so much bigger than a green piece of paper that we say holds value. I learned that He loves me more than anyone on earth could even fathom and part of that is providing for my needs. I was reminded that He takes care of the animals that don't work, who don't have property or status, He clothes and feeds them without their even knowing He exists. This realization reminded me that I am the daughter of the King, of course He is going to take care of my needs. He says that His mercies are never exhausted and that He will lift me up off the ground and set me on a solid foundation. And to seal the deal, He says that if He is for me, no one else can harm me.
Now when I think of who God is, I know that He is boundless, He has no limits, and I am His beloved daughter, I don't need to apologize for being born, He is just happy that I am here. When I am being an idiot, I can turn around and He is right there with His arms wide open to accept me home again. And when I have $19 in my possession, and $1000 worth of bills, He says "Haley, I made you, I brought you to this place in your life for a reason, and I will bring you through and make you victorious so you can rejoice and live in the joy I have for you." What an amazing promise. I could go on and on, but my point may be lost.
Moral of the story: I have no need to worry, because God has my back, and His promises are just like Him...they are true yesterday, today, and forever. He holds no bank account or accounting ledger, He doesn't keep a record of my wrongs, and He will never let me be defeated because with Him...all things are possible. So in closing, I am going to rejoice and be grateful for all of the blessings I have received, and for all of the blessings I know are coming. He is my Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer, and my Strong Tower. I know that His arms are keeping me safe, secure, and provided for.
Amen
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This is a great post. I can completely relate to this at the moment to. So often we put God in a box when he is so much bigger than that.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this.
I absolutely love this post Haley! I too struggle with, "How could He love such a screw up like me?" but then I know that He is the one who created me to be exactly the way I am. I may have made some mistakes along the way but it doesn't matter. I am His beloved. It helps me to think of Him as a Spirit and not in the context of "man". Love and hugs! Mellie
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