Lately I have been on the fast track in my spiritual journey. Historically I have experienced God as a manly man, arrogant AND loving, aloof AND concerned. Recently I have been rearranging my view of God and the role He plays in my life. There has always been this dialectic - that God was mean AND I was supposed to encourage other people to love Him. I respected my faith and knew that love was part of God's character, but I did not have any sense of mercy or grace. Not having a grasp on those two concepts makes it almost impossible to understand the width and the height of His Majesty and why He is so stinking amazing.
In the past couple of weeks I have run into some major financial need, a need so large that either I won the lottery to cover it, or would need God to sweep in and save the day. I started praying about this need and sounded something to the effect of "God, Im sorry Im alive, and I don't expect you to help me, but if you could I would greatly appreciate it". I came to His feet sheepishly and doubting that He would help me. I had no idea the context of our relationship, I didn't embrace the love that He had for me or how far that love extended.