"I will be patient in steadily working toward my goal, remembering that all good comes in time"
I am sitting here on my couch writing as I am watching "Eat, Pray, Love" and thinking about the aforementioned quote. Today I was confronted with the reality of a fork in the road. Without giving every boring detail, the jist of the story is that I was getting into a situation that was exciting and validating but not because I was ready and excited to move forward, but because it was the perfect distraction. Everyone wants to feel needed, and attractive and that is what I was experiencing. The problem is that I am dealing with some heavy things that are necessary, and frankly, exhausting. Topics that are not able to be worked on while hiding behind another relationship or professional endeavor.
Friday, May 13, 2011
You perceive me as selfish, conceited and spilling self love
My swagger is confusing, and I don't fit like a glove.
You don't get me because Im not a copy of you
and the topics that make me tick make you desire a clue.
You sit back from your seat of comfort and safety
and judge how I live, who I love, and who I am frankly.
I appologize that you don't understand how I am made
and I have worked long and hard to achieve a good grade.
Not many people get it, and I don't know how to convey
that these things that I live with are really hard to say.
The way I show myself to this world may to you seem odd
and you may even judge it as a front, charade, or facade.
These qualities are not the definition of true integrity
but I am just working on surviving and trying to be me.
I pray every day that you would open your eyes and see
that I am not as bad as you make me out to be.
If you only knew that my heart breaks in the evening
and that my heart cries when I get caught up in my singing.
That I am dealing with demons that haunt me day and night
and there is no one, no thing, and no help in sight.
The fights that I battle and the race that I run
is surely not done for the hell of it or for fun.
To live to my fullest is my passion and goal
and I will not give up and go down the rabbit hole.
I am working on my stuff and its not on your time
I wish you could see that what I do is not a crime.
I am fully aware that your perception is your reality
and it is clear that my life seems to be an abnormality.
I am human, fallible, sometimes insecure but strong
the road of humanity involves the desire to belong.
Don't worry because I don't put myself up too high
you don't have to bring me down so I don't touch the sky.
The way I present my life to the wide world abroad
is the way I wish I could be without being a fraud.
My goal is to emulate the qualities I convey
and to make you proud of me till your dying day.
Please come along side me and learn who I am
without making quick judgments with a superficial scan.
I am so much more than a shallow masquerade
and that is due to God's image by who I am made.