Dear Lie/Ed

I would like to introduce you to a man with whom I have had a 20 year relationship with.  He is an asshole.  These are some of the things that he says to me:



"You are fat and not worth anyone's time"
"You must be so stupid to think that you are beautiful"
"If you just skip your lunch, you will feel better about yourself"
"Losing weight is the only way to be successful"
"You need to be arm candy, and you have a lot of work to do"
"You wonder why you are single? Your pant size makes it pretty obvious"
"You are angry?  Working out for a couple of hours will help"
"You are selfish to be feeling any negative emotion, do some sit-ups that will make you better"
etc, etc, etc.
The first thing he ever said to me was when I was 6 years old.  He said "All of the other women talk about how big their thighs are, look at yours, they are disgusting, if you don't find everything wrong with your body and fix it, it will be bad."


This man has made me throw up, work out for hours, pass out, starve myself, harm myself, stop drinking any fluids, lose relationships, and even when I was at my lowest weight, it still wasn't good enough, he just got more angry with me.  Eventually he was the only person I was allowed to pay attention to.  


Who is this douche bag???  


Meet ED.  Man is he a special one...his name is really an acronym.  It stands for Eating Disorder.  In the eating disorder community it is common to separate the eating disorder from the person struggling with it because it is then more tangible and easier to stand up and stop using symptoms.  


There are 2 songs that are extremely applicable to the struggle that I have with ED.  I am a year without a relapse, however ED is still a very real temptation, just as an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, they just choose not to use alcohol.  I will always have an eating disorder, I just choose not to starve or over-exercise.  


One song is "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri.


The other is "Dear Lie" by TLC 


Take a listen, I attached the videos with lyrics as it clearly demonstrates what an eating disorder can do to your life, and how someone who is recovering from an eating disorder is a lot like someone breaking up with an abusive partner.


Today I have the flu, and you can bet I have been bombarded by ED's thoughts the anxiety is intense, but recovery is soooo much sweeter.  I chose life today by saying no to ED.


You are Loved
Haley