Wednesday, January 26, 2011

To bottle or not to bottle?


Lately I have been on a journey of authenticity.  I have found that I use optimism as a way to keep myself safe from questions regarding my feelings about past experiences.  It is also the fastest way to isolate myself and deceive people about my true nature.  I do not often admit that I am vulnerable and sometimes scared.  I also do not admit that I don't know how to handle everything and I am not doing a good job of holding the world on my shoulders.  


Recently I have been faced with a myriad of emotions and memories of a past abusive relationship.  I am working through these things in therapy and it is natural that it would be in the forefront of my mind, especially due to the fact that I have buried it deep in my heart as to not feel any of it.  Before this time in my life, I did not have the skills to deal with the intense emotions and images that come from working on trauma, so I used anorexia to numb the pain and distract me from what was really happening in my life.  


Last night I ran into a large looming memory that I was in a position to disclose to a group.  I told a group of women about how my eating disorder was synonymous with my marriage.  After I shared, they would not allow me to put up my wall again, and I left the group feeling vulnerable and extremely uneasy.  This was definitely uncomfortable, and very beneficial.  


I was forced to look at myself and accept that I have been hurt and it is only natural to have intense emotions about the situation.  This occurance also opened a new can of worms regarding my lack of trust and other issues surrounding current and future relationships (which is a self sustaining topic for future posts).  


So, in my pain and struggle with these emotions, I decided to reach out and share with a close friend.  Just sharing the information was cathartic and I was able to be reminded that I am not alone in this fight and it will pass.  Shortly after I shared with a friend, someone else decided it was important to tell me I have struggled with this long enough (I am 11 months out from the divorce that is causing some of these issues) and that it would be best if I just stuffed the emotions, pulled myself up by my bootstraps, and got over it.  This reminded me that no matter how close someone is to us, they still have the right to be wrong.


We all have battles and things that hurt us.  We all have our past and struggle sometimes to reconcile that past with who we are as human beings.  Finding meaning in situations is part of what propels us forward and develops strength.  True strength comes from being honest, facing emotions, and working through them rather than bottling them up and 'forgetting' about them.  True recovery and authenticity come from honesty and perseverance.  There ARE ways to deal with emotion so that it doesn't plague you for the rest of your life.  It may not be convenient and it may not be easy for support people to watch, however it is necessary in order to move forward.  The point at which we 'stuff' our memories and emotions is the exact point where growth ceases and authenticity within ourselves is thwarted.


When you have a full trash can, you can only pack it down and add more garbage for so long before the sides of the can break and you have a smelly mess on your hands.  This new mess will now take much longer to clean than it would have taken to just take the trash out in the first place.


I am choosing to feel my emotions, confront the issues and take the trash out - so to speak.  In answer to the question "To bottle or not to bottle?" I resolve not to bottle my emotions no matter how uncomfortable because honesty and integrity come before saving face.

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